Still heartbroken... With the holidays I was able to keep myself busy and really did not have time to think about anything other then all the knitting projects I had to finish because I am a crazy woman and decided I had to make all the nephews a sweater. Now that its over I am still trying to keep busy but my mind is going to that dark place. And it doesn't help that everyday there is a new announcement and its not me. Don't get me wrong I am really happy for my friends but I still WISH it was me. It was supposed to me months ago. My best friend is almost 20 weeks and they are finding out the sex in about a week. We were gonna be pregnant together. I was supposed to find out the sex in December, it was gonna be a Christmas surprise for our family... I just can't help feeling like my body has completely failed me. My heart is just really heavy and I am just mad, mad at the world, mad at my body, mad at my stupid pancreas. Couldn't something in my life be easy? 2012 sucked, 2013 will have to be better, right?

Rebuilding my castle..

Long lapse but much has happened. Started happy. Oh so happy and now it seems I am just trying to pick up the pieces.
So I know I have blogged before that hubs and were thinking about children. My A1C was around 5.9 and I was busting my ass to get it there. I have the pump and got a Dexcom in June. I was working hard. I will post more about Dex later (I really do love it).
Well August 25 we found out we were pregnant!! I got up EARLY that morning to test b/c I was so fatigued all the time, was constantly peeing, and my boobs felt ENORMOUS (seriously went from A cup to C in a matter of weeks). Now I had had really cute plans on how to tell Stephen that we were pregnant involving a wrapped onsie that Maddux would bring to him while wearing a big brother bandana. As soon as that positive showed up all those plans went out the window since I didn't have anything made and I was just to impatient. I ran out of the bathroom telling Stephen to wake up and surprisingly he got up pretty easily (He is a BEAR in the morning). I gave him the pregnancy test and he looked at it and said "is this real?" I said yeah Maddux peed on it he is pregnant. We were beyond thrilled. Seriously over the moon and this baby was so wanted. Everything was going great no nausea just major congestion and my boobs really took off (I was thrilled at this since I have never been very voluptuous). We talked, we had names, we discussed how to tell our parents, what everyone's reactions were gonna be, how the dogs would handle it (BTW I think they are going to be the most amazing big brothers). We had plans, we had dreams, we had so much hope.
I went to my parents for a week to see the family. We didn't tell anyone just to be safe. We were waiting for our first appointment on September 26. We were looking forward to that appointment and I could not wait to see that little beating heart. On the 17 I started having really high blood sugars. No matter what I did it was just high. I set a temp basal at 100%, I took double insulin when I bolused, I took over 100 units in 1 day. No matter what I did it just didn't come down to a place I would have liked it. It was back to normal the next day but I just had this weird feeling. Then on the 20th I started bleeding. I called the doctor and since I was not cramping they said not to worry but that I needed to take it easy. I called Stephen and we both decided that he was going to come get me since he left me there when we went to my nephews birthday and my parents were going to bring me back the next weekend so we could all go to the Ozark Folk Center. Stephen started the 2.5 hour drive to my parents house just to be on the safe side. The bleeding got heavier but no cramps. I had a feeling that it was over. I cried and cried. I was heartbroken. About 30 minutes before Stephen got there it was done. The baby was gone...
Stephen is heartbroken, I am heartbroken. We both feel very empty. I am sad but I feel guilty. I keep running through everything I ate, all my blood sugars, how I handled everything. Where did I go wrong? How could this have been prevented? What could I have done differently? Stephen assures me that there was nothing I could have done but I can't help feel that guilt. My body was the one that failed. I just don't know. I have an appointment with the doctor Wednesday. Now we are just picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild our beautiful castle one tear at a time.

Camp

I am packing and getting ready for diabetic camp. This camp is a day camp by my parents house and I have been going for 10 years. I LOVE camp. I went there as a kid newly diagnosed and now go there as an adult to help work it. I can not express the importance of camp enough to parents. This is the one place I feel normal, I don't feel alone and everyone there is going through the exact same thing as me. The camp I go to is completely free for all diabetic children and their siblings as long as the siblings are diabetic for the week (have to check, go to education and carb count just like their Dsiblings). This camp is run by an all volunteer staff with nursing students from the local college. I love that the students go through the camp b/c I feel they learn so much more there then they would ever learn in the classroom. The students get hands on experience dealing with type 1 kids. They have fun but most importantly they get real world experience in how to handle type 1 diabetes b/c we all know T1 does not follow the book and we are all different. Kids with medical problems really benefit going to med camps. After my nephew was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy we found a camp nearby and we signed him up. Last week was his second year going to MD camp and he won the camper award. He LOVES camp also even though right now his disease has not progressed and he is showing no outward symptoms it will someday. At medical camps kids learn about their disease, how to handle it both medically but also emotionally. And most importantly kids make friendships that last a lifetime with others who are going through the exact same thing. I have friends from camp who I can call or text or write on facebook about the pitfalls and triumphs of diabetes and there is no judgement just kind words. I can lean on them and when something happens like when I broke a bottle of insulin and couldn't get a new one they are there to spot me. My parents also loved camp. They met other parents who were a great support. So parents research and find some camps for your kids they will have a blast, and learn about diabetes, and make a ton of friends.

It was enchanting

I have been diabetic for a long time now and I am not writing about how enchanting it is to have diabetes. Diabetes has interfered with so much of my life and brings many fears of the unknown that is before me. Diabetes is much like the boogie man someone that hides in the shadows and you may forget about him for a short time but as you lay in bed at night that fear is brought to the forefront of your mind. As a teenager one of my fears was that I would never meet a special someone that would take me and my diabetes on. That would love me through thick and thin, health and sickness and grow to understand and help me. Someone that would be MY prince. You all know I did meet him but you do not know how I met him, how he found out and reacted to my diabetes and how we grew from 2 very separate souls to a united being were I feel he is just an attachment to my body.
First let me say through high school people did not approach me; girls or guys. I was treated as a big germ. Teachers were scared of me, girls thought I had too much drama and guys thought I had too much baggage. I understand on some level yes diabetes is a very serious disease but I am a person who happens to have it and it does not have me. I am not diabetic Kendyl I am JUST Kendyl. But, once people find out about this they treat you differently.
After high school I moved 2.5 hours from my home to go to a school in central Arkansas. I did not remain friends from most people from high school and in all actuality I am only friends with 1 from high school and she is my best friend in the entire world. She understands me and she has her own baggage and drama. So I left my hometown and moved into a dorm at my college. I loved my rooms, she was and still is the best. Well she met this guy on Halloween of 05 and they started to spend a lot of time together. One night she called me and told me to head over to our friend J’s house. Well I didn’t know but my rooms, K, had set up this plan with her boyfriend to introduce me to someone. I got there before he did but they still didn’t tell me this plan. We were all hanging out and the doorbell rang. J answered and she already knew him and was excited for him to come in. He was wearing a blue hoodie, cubs hat, jeans and a cross necklace. He had dark brown hair and golden brown eyes and a great smile. I liked him immediately, I knew there was something there or more of I wanted for something to be there. J introduced us and then everyone left us alone. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. I loved how he looked me in the eyes as we spoke. As everyone else was leaving we decided to go to IHOP. There we ate pancakes and talked more. We discovered we had much of the same taste in shows and movies. And now its funny but he had me at “I have all the seasons of Futurama.” This was in November 05. I was 18 and he was 20.

He found me on Facebook the next day. I was so excited and immediately sent him a message saying how much fun I had and gave him my number. The ball was in his court and I so hoped he would want to play. He wrote me back briefly but didn’t actually call or set up another date! We didn’t hang out until New Years but after that we started spending all of our free time together. Not long after Valentines day he called and said there was someone he wanted me to me. I was nervous but got all gussied up and headed over to his house. I rang the bell and I totally thought he was wanting me to meet his parents. Well he opened the door and there looking back at me was the most beautiful blue eyes. He had gotten Shadow and he wanted me to be the first one to meet him. Soon after that I was officially his girlfriend. I was excited but there was one problem. I had a huge secret I was keeping and believe me I had no idea how I kept it that long. I had never told him I was diabetic and I was scared to death to do so.

It wasn’t long after we had become officially “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” that he discovered I was diabetic. We were relaxing on the couch and when I got up my pump had fallen out of my pocket and gotten stuck in the couch cushion. He was sitting next to me when I got up and he was so confused at this clear tube attached to what he thought was a pager was attached to me. He started pulling on it and asked “Why do you have pager? Are you a drug dealer?” I knew the gig was up and I had to tell him. I very plainly told him that is my insulin pump and I am a type 1 diabetic. My head raced and I just knew he would dump me. Who would want to take that on? Well he just stared at me and said OK and went back to watching the movie we were watching. I was floored no one ever acted so non-chalantly about this. Over the next few years he learned all he could about it and even went to diabetic camp with me to work. He takes care of me when I am sick and loves me for who I am diabetes and all. It was truly enchanting to meet him. I would not be here without him. Yesterday we celebrated our second wedding anniversary and we are just as nerdy, carefree and happy as ever!
Diabetes doesn’t just affect me. It affects those around me and those that love and support me. Diabetes isn’t just my disease but my support group has taken it on also. Without my amazing support group of not only my husband, but also mom and dad, my siblings, my in-laws and my friends I would not be here. Every diabetic needs a few angels watching and helping them so to all you who are someone’s support group I thank you.
And as for me and my prince…..
The rest is history…..

Probably TMI

So this post will probably be full of way too much information but honestly I really don't care so if you get grossed out about periods don't read anymore. Ok so I have mentioned before how I have talked to my endo and gyno about pregnancy (seriously the whole thought of it still freaks me out). Both have given me the go ahead. However, I am getting a Dexcom and still working on lowering my A1C more w/o the lows. I can order the Dexcom on my birthday since my insurance company will not cover it till I am 25 b/c apparently 25 is some magic age and I will finally be an adult. So sometime after June 5th I will be on the Dexcom (is it weird I am excited for another thing to inject into my skin and another robot part?).
So both docs have given the go ahead and I have had the Mirena taken out (wasn't as bad is it going in holy shit that thing was HORRIBLE) Now when I had the Mirena I did not have a period and it was WONDERFUL!! Seriously you boys are so lucky. Well now that the thing has come out aunt flo has come back with a vengeance! I have turned into a crampy, bleeding, emotional wreck. And just to add to the bullshit of a period and how my body completely HATES me I of course got it during finals week. So lack of sleep, crampy, bleeding, emotional wreck I am. It is now not unusual for me to cry ALL. THE. TIME over god knows what. I cried in Kroger the other day b/c they were out of diet coke (I have a problem). This whole girl thing totally sucks! And if the Mirena would not cost me another hundred bucks to get back I would totally go get that sucker replanted into my uterus. For an entire year I felt pretty good, I may have gained a little weight but seriously no complaints (well I have a complaint about that but that is for another time and if I write about it now I will totally turn into a blubbering mess but lets just say someone called me fat). Now I am stressed (finals seriously do not help) and I am thinking I need drugs b/c these crazy mood swings are really driving me nuts (poor Stephen I have been so bitchy lately and he asks why and I just don't know).
Now lets talk about diabetes... Yeah I am to the point this week I. GIVE. UP! I am on a roller coaster and I am hoping to get off it SOON! I have been running SOOOOO high. And spitting out ketones like they are tokens. I feel terrible but after this week I am hoping they will go away. Ever wonder why girls have a sex change? Seriously periods suck.

One more week

One more week. I can do this just one more week. One more week and I am done with college. One more week that is all. But this last week is killing me. Blood sugars insane running large ketones from stress and not really sleeping. Trying to finish my seminar paper and then add on all the other research papers for my 5 other classes and then finals. Endo wants me on strict bed rest because of the ketones but I don't have time for that. Let me make it through this one LAST week. I can do this, I need to do this, I have to do this. Diabetes sucks
end

Happy Anniversary

So I have been watching Body of Proof lately since the daughter of the main character was diagnosed with diabetes. I mainly started watching to see how they were going to handle the D diagnosis on the show but have found that I actually really like the show even without D. So last episode they showed her putting on her pump (the actress is actually diabetic) and how her mom was meddling in her business and how it irritated her. I actually found it right on point. Since my diagnosis (today is actually my anniversary so happy anniversary to me) I do not think I have gone a day without my mom asking how my sugar has been. I know most people would say hey I am almost 25, I am married and what not why is my mom still meddling with my health but I do not see it as meddling. It is a comfort that she still asks, that she still wants to be apart of my diabetic part of life. Even though I am 24 years old and I have 10 years of this under my belt I still take comfort knowing that my mom and dad are there for me and they want to be there to support me and they want to be apart of not just me but also my diabetes. I know I went through many years were I found it annoying but I look back now and I am thankful that she was so worried about me, that she made me take care of myself, that she did meddle. I am thankful for her support, I am thankful that she has been there. And to all you parents out there with D kids they too will go through a time were they are sick of you asking about their diabetes but continue to ask, continue to be pushy when it comes to their health they will thank you in the long run. So in honor of 10 years being a part of a club I never wanted to join I want to thank my mom and dad for making me a responsible diabetic.