It was enchanting

I have been diabetic for a long time now and I am not writing about how enchanting it is to have diabetes. Diabetes has interfered with so much of my life and brings many fears of the unknown that is before me. Diabetes is much like the boogie man someone that hides in the shadows and you may forget about him for a short time but as you lay in bed at night that fear is brought to the forefront of your mind. As a teenager one of my fears was that I would never meet a special someone that would take me and my diabetes on. That would love me through thick and thin, health and sickness and grow to understand and help me. Someone that would be MY prince. You all know I did meet him but you do not know how I met him, how he found out and reacted to my diabetes and how we grew from 2 very separate souls to a united being were I feel he is just an attachment to my body.
First let me say through high school people did not approach me; girls or guys. I was treated as a big germ. Teachers were scared of me, girls thought I had too much drama and guys thought I had too much baggage. I understand on some level yes diabetes is a very serious disease but I am a person who happens to have it and it does not have me. I am not diabetic Kendyl I am JUST Kendyl. But, once people find out about this they treat you differently.
After high school I moved 2.5 hours from my home to go to a school in central Arkansas. I did not remain friends from most people from high school and in all actuality I am only friends with 1 from high school and she is my best friend in the entire world. She understands me and she has her own baggage and drama. So I left my hometown and moved into a dorm at my college. I loved my rooms, she was and still is the best. Well she met this guy on Halloween of 05 and they started to spend a lot of time together. One night she called me and told me to head over to our friend J’s house. Well I didn’t know but my rooms, K, had set up this plan with her boyfriend to introduce me to someone. I got there before he did but they still didn’t tell me this plan. We were all hanging out and the doorbell rang. J answered and she already knew him and was excited for him to come in. He was wearing a blue hoodie, cubs hat, jeans and a cross necklace. He had dark brown hair and golden brown eyes and a great smile. I liked him immediately, I knew there was something there or more of I wanted for something to be there. J introduced us and then everyone left us alone. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. I loved how he looked me in the eyes as we spoke. As everyone else was leaving we decided to go to IHOP. There we ate pancakes and talked more. We discovered we had much of the same taste in shows and movies. And now its funny but he had me at “I have all the seasons of Futurama.” This was in November 05. I was 18 and he was 20.

He found me on Facebook the next day. I was so excited and immediately sent him a message saying how much fun I had and gave him my number. The ball was in his court and I so hoped he would want to play. He wrote me back briefly but didn’t actually call or set up another date! We didn’t hang out until New Years but after that we started spending all of our free time together. Not long after Valentines day he called and said there was someone he wanted me to me. I was nervous but got all gussied up and headed over to his house. I rang the bell and I totally thought he was wanting me to meet his parents. Well he opened the door and there looking back at me was the most beautiful blue eyes. He had gotten Shadow and he wanted me to be the first one to meet him. Soon after that I was officially his girlfriend. I was excited but there was one problem. I had a huge secret I was keeping and believe me I had no idea how I kept it that long. I had never told him I was diabetic and I was scared to death to do so.

It wasn’t long after we had become officially “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” that he discovered I was diabetic. We were relaxing on the couch and when I got up my pump had fallen out of my pocket and gotten stuck in the couch cushion. He was sitting next to me when I got up and he was so confused at this clear tube attached to what he thought was a pager was attached to me. He started pulling on it and asked “Why do you have pager? Are you a drug dealer?” I knew the gig was up and I had to tell him. I very plainly told him that is my insulin pump and I am a type 1 diabetic. My head raced and I just knew he would dump me. Who would want to take that on? Well he just stared at me and said OK and went back to watching the movie we were watching. I was floored no one ever acted so non-chalantly about this. Over the next few years he learned all he could about it and even went to diabetic camp with me to work. He takes care of me when I am sick and loves me for who I am diabetes and all. It was truly enchanting to meet him. I would not be here without him. Yesterday we celebrated our second wedding anniversary and we are just as nerdy, carefree and happy as ever!
Diabetes doesn’t just affect me. It affects those around me and those that love and support me. Diabetes isn’t just my disease but my support group has taken it on also. Without my amazing support group of not only my husband, but also mom and dad, my siblings, my in-laws and my friends I would not be here. Every diabetic needs a few angels watching and helping them so to all you who are someone’s support group I thank you.
And as for me and my prince…..
The rest is history…..

Probably TMI

So this post will probably be full of way too much information but honestly I really don't care so if you get grossed out about periods don't read anymore. Ok so I have mentioned before how I have talked to my endo and gyno about pregnancy (seriously the whole thought of it still freaks me out). Both have given me the go ahead. However, I am getting a Dexcom and still working on lowering my A1C more w/o the lows. I can order the Dexcom on my birthday since my insurance company will not cover it till I am 25 b/c apparently 25 is some magic age and I will finally be an adult. So sometime after June 5th I will be on the Dexcom (is it weird I am excited for another thing to inject into my skin and another robot part?).
So both docs have given the go ahead and I have had the Mirena taken out (wasn't as bad is it going in holy shit that thing was HORRIBLE) Now when I had the Mirena I did not have a period and it was WONDERFUL!! Seriously you boys are so lucky. Well now that the thing has come out aunt flo has come back with a vengeance! I have turned into a crampy, bleeding, emotional wreck. And just to add to the bullshit of a period and how my body completely HATES me I of course got it during finals week. So lack of sleep, crampy, bleeding, emotional wreck I am. It is now not unusual for me to cry ALL. THE. TIME over god knows what. I cried in Kroger the other day b/c they were out of diet coke (I have a problem). This whole girl thing totally sucks! And if the Mirena would not cost me another hundred bucks to get back I would totally go get that sucker replanted into my uterus. For an entire year I felt pretty good, I may have gained a little weight but seriously no complaints (well I have a complaint about that but that is for another time and if I write about it now I will totally turn into a blubbering mess but lets just say someone called me fat). Now I am stressed (finals seriously do not help) and I am thinking I need drugs b/c these crazy mood swings are really driving me nuts (poor Stephen I have been so bitchy lately and he asks why and I just don't know).
Now lets talk about diabetes... Yeah I am to the point this week I. GIVE. UP! I am on a roller coaster and I am hoping to get off it SOON! I have been running SOOOOO high. And spitting out ketones like they are tokens. I feel terrible but after this week I am hoping they will go away. Ever wonder why girls have a sex change? Seriously periods suck.

One more week

One more week. I can do this just one more week. One more week and I am done with college. One more week that is all. But this last week is killing me. Blood sugars insane running large ketones from stress and not really sleeping. Trying to finish my seminar paper and then add on all the other research papers for my 5 other classes and then finals. Endo wants me on strict bed rest because of the ketones but I don't have time for that. Let me make it through this one LAST week. I can do this, I need to do this, I have to do this. Diabetes sucks
end

Happy Anniversary

So I have been watching Body of Proof lately since the daughter of the main character was diagnosed with diabetes. I mainly started watching to see how they were going to handle the D diagnosis on the show but have found that I actually really like the show even without D. So last episode they showed her putting on her pump (the actress is actually diabetic) and how her mom was meddling in her business and how it irritated her. I actually found it right on point. Since my diagnosis (today is actually my anniversary so happy anniversary to me) I do not think I have gone a day without my mom asking how my sugar has been. I know most people would say hey I am almost 25, I am married and what not why is my mom still meddling with my health but I do not see it as meddling. It is a comfort that she still asks, that she still wants to be apart of my diabetic part of life. Even though I am 24 years old and I have 10 years of this under my belt I still take comfort knowing that my mom and dad are there for me and they want to be there to support me and they want to be apart of not just me but also my diabetes. I know I went through many years were I found it annoying but I look back now and I am thankful that she was so worried about me, that she made me take care of myself, that she did meddle. I am thankful for her support, I am thankful that she has been there. And to all you parents out there with D kids they too will go through a time were they are sick of you asking about their diabetes but continue to ask, continue to be pushy when it comes to their health they will thank you in the long run. So in honor of 10 years being a part of a club I never wanted to join I want to thank my mom and dad for making me a responsible diabetic.

Endo

Yesterday was my 3 month visit with the endo. I love Dr. R he is great. We discussed my upcoming float trip and he said even though animas is waterproof he thought it would probably be better to disconnect and just take a novolog pen with me. I asked about maybe taking a little lantus b/c its 6 hours he said no just to check every hour and if I need to bolus just shoot up. After looking at my graphs and everything I brought he also suggested that I bolus a unit or 2 before I excersise b/c as he put it "None of you type 1's go by the book and you are all crazy different" and I am just one of those weird people who spike with exercise. Thanks doc.
We also talked about pregnancy (did I really just type that). Ok still kinda freaking out that this is even been brought up. I just don't know how I feel about it. I feel excited but also it scares the shit out of me. Stephen is thrilled to be talking about it but I don't think he knows what all pregnancy and the kid that comes at the end entails. He just keeps telling me everything will just work out. He seems to think its going to be a peice of cake however he isn't the one with diabetes or the one pushing the kid out. It would be so much easier if he was the one pushing the kid out. Maybe someone can Fedex us a kid that seems so much less painful. Seriously I am NERVOUS!! Well doc said my A1c was pretty good (6.2) but he would like it lower and he is also worried that it was lower because of all the lows I have so he would like me to work on it. That being said he is sending in the order for the Dexcom and we are hoping insurance approves. Send me good thoughts on getting a Dex fast and easy =)
Now back to my seminar paper (which is killing me at this moment but that is for another post)

What would you do?

In a couple of weeks my environmental history class is going on a field trip to float the Buffalo river here in Arkansas. We are camping on Friday then floating on Saturday. Stephen is going with me since I just do not feel comfortable making my class or professor responsible in case something really crazy happens with my blood sugar (ie go low and pass out even though this has not happened in YEARS still gonna play it on the safe side). Now my question is what would you do with the pump? I know the Animas Ping is waterproof but I don't know if I want to risk it. We are going to be kayaking down the river on an 8 hour trip. I already know I am not going to risk my ping meter and just going to bring a couple of my one touch minis (I have a million of these since I get a new one at camp every year). Should I just do MDI for the trip or keep the pump on? I just don't know but I am going to ask a couple of my diabetic friends from camp and ask the endo on Monday to see what he says. I have about 3 weeks to figure it out though. So what would you do?

The fear...

Everyone knows how diabetes affects the body physically; the complications, the shakes, your eye sight, your kidneys, your limbs. We all know people who are facing these complications but no one talks about the cruel mind tricks we go through. The fear that that may be our future, the fear that our disease will win. The mind tricks that get played over and over every time a too high or too low number shows up on our meter. And now that I am an adult and married the fear that my genes hold this horrible disease that I may pass on to my children. That is my greatest fear that my future kids will be saddled with this and it would be my fault. I have talked incessantly with Stephen about this. I do not think he understands why I fear this so much. He just tells me who better to lead a child through these murky waters of diabetes then a mother with diabetes. I don't want to lead my children through this. I don't want my children to ever have the pain, the fear, the loneliness that this disease brings. I don't want them to loose their carefree childhood to this and this is what I fear the most. I am not saying I didn't have an amazing childhood because I did but it was not the same as other kids and I knew it. I knew I was different, I knew I had to do things other kids didn't, and for a long time I thought I was the only one and I was so lonely. I do not want that for my children. I want them to run and play and not have to stop. I want them to be able to eat cake and ice cream at a birthday party without ever thinking about it.
I know kids are in my future at some point and I will have to face the fear that one of them may become diabetic and I hope I can create an environment my parents did. Diabetes is just apart of me but it does not define me. I just hope it will not define any future children I may have.