Rebuilding my castle..

Long lapse but much has happened. Started happy. Oh so happy and now it seems I am just trying to pick up the pieces.
So I know I have blogged before that hubs and were thinking about children. My A1C was around 5.9 and I was busting my ass to get it there. I have the pump and got a Dexcom in June. I was working hard. I will post more about Dex later (I really do love it).
Well August 25 we found out we were pregnant!! I got up EARLY that morning to test b/c I was so fatigued all the time, was constantly peeing, and my boobs felt ENORMOUS (seriously went from A cup to C in a matter of weeks). Now I had had really cute plans on how to tell Stephen that we were pregnant involving a wrapped onsie that Maddux would bring to him while wearing a big brother bandana. As soon as that positive showed up all those plans went out the window since I didn't have anything made and I was just to impatient. I ran out of the bathroom telling Stephen to wake up and surprisingly he got up pretty easily (He is a BEAR in the morning). I gave him the pregnancy test and he looked at it and said "is this real?" I said yeah Maddux peed on it he is pregnant. We were beyond thrilled. Seriously over the moon and this baby was so wanted. Everything was going great no nausea just major congestion and my boobs really took off (I was thrilled at this since I have never been very voluptuous). We talked, we had names, we discussed how to tell our parents, what everyone's reactions were gonna be, how the dogs would handle it (BTW I think they are going to be the most amazing big brothers). We had plans, we had dreams, we had so much hope.
I went to my parents for a week to see the family. We didn't tell anyone just to be safe. We were waiting for our first appointment on September 26. We were looking forward to that appointment and I could not wait to see that little beating heart. On the 17 I started having really high blood sugars. No matter what I did it was just high. I set a temp basal at 100%, I took double insulin when I bolused, I took over 100 units in 1 day. No matter what I did it just didn't come down to a place I would have liked it. It was back to normal the next day but I just had this weird feeling. Then on the 20th I started bleeding. I called the doctor and since I was not cramping they said not to worry but that I needed to take it easy. I called Stephen and we both decided that he was going to come get me since he left me there when we went to my nephews birthday and my parents were going to bring me back the next weekend so we could all go to the Ozark Folk Center. Stephen started the 2.5 hour drive to my parents house just to be on the safe side. The bleeding got heavier but no cramps. I had a feeling that it was over. I cried and cried. I was heartbroken. About 30 minutes before Stephen got there it was done. The baby was gone...
Stephen is heartbroken, I am heartbroken. We both feel very empty. I am sad but I feel guilty. I keep running through everything I ate, all my blood sugars, how I handled everything. Where did I go wrong? How could this have been prevented? What could I have done differently? Stephen assures me that there was nothing I could have done but I can't help feel that guilt. My body was the one that failed. I just don't know. I have an appointment with the doctor Wednesday. Now we are just picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild our beautiful castle one tear at a time.